There’s a reason for the saying, “Don’t kill the messenger.” We never forget the time when we first hear the news of a tragedy, or in my and many of my clients’ case, of a terrible, heartbreaking diagnosis for our children.
Certainly it is not easy for doctors to tell parents the news. They need to be kind, but at the same time clear and accurate, without sugar-coating. They have to do this sort of thing routinely, and presumably have to protect themselves from feeling too deeply, for their own mental health. But I have heard some doozies. (Some of these are from the wonderful book “Far from the Tree,” by Andrew Solomon. Read it!
1. “You should take your pretty wife home and make yourself another baby, because your’re never going to get anything out of this one.”
2. “I wouldn’t rush to endow a chair at Harvard for her.”
3. “You’ve got king-sized problems. If you’re thinking of having more kids, put it on hold.”
(Then the doctor took another call, while the parents were still sitting in his office, and said into the receiver, “I’m seeing a couple now with king-sized problems. On a happier note” — as he said “happier,” the couple leaned forward expectantly — “I wanted to talk to you about another case.”
4. “This child will never walk, talk, or know you. You need to find someplace to put him.”
5. And my favorite, because it is my own, “This boy may be okay [wrong], but he may have a degenerative disease, in which case he will be dead by age 5. But either way there is nothing I can do to help you, so go home and love him.”
This is not to chastise wonderful doctors who are doing their best. Each of us has our own story to tell, and hopefully these comments will remind you that your own “kill the messenger” story is not as bad as it could have been.